"Of what use is a philosopher who doesn't hurt anybody's feelings?" - Diogenes, 412BC-323BC

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Welcome to the personal website of a very confused determined citizen of earth.


Some Dates and Notes...

  • Fri, 25 Jul 2008 03:07:27 -0600

    
    


  • Wed, 23 Jul 2008 01:23:39 -0600

    Disturbed - Inside The Fire

    We are immortal




  • Tue, 22 Jul 2008 01:23:03 -0600

    A thought for perspective-you are always what you most wish-the prospective! 
    Your desire is to live according to your desire, and this you are always 
    realizing! Most noble sentiment!-you are "it" already-"the satisfied"-"the 
    desireless"-"the real thing"! You are drunk with it. 
    
    

    - Austin Osman Spare -



  • Mon, 21 Jul 2008 17:48:21 -0600

    Last night I went to the 2008 Rockstar Mayhem Festival at the Fidler's Green Amphitheater in 
    Englewood Colorado. I went to see many bands, but I was most anxious to see Disturbed. 
    They had just released their latest album "Indestructible" and like all their other albums, 
    they had evolved their sound a lot. 
    
    The single on this album raised some very interesting feelings in me when I initially heard it. 
    Most of these feelings surrounded memories of the past that involved a sort of "Lost Love". 
    The lyrics speak of a suicide, however my memories had nothing to do with that in a literal 
    sense. Essentially I was the one who wished for death and considered suicide as an option. 
    What I had was heaven on earth. There was no doubt about that. She was my Eve and I her
    Adam. Together we were God's children and there was nothing to fear at all. This was my 
    world. This was my reality. However, eventually it collapsed and I was left devastated. Now, 
    due to the dualistic nature of humanities experience of life I was in Hell. Hell was just as 
    magnificent and extreme as Heaven. The extreme opposite of Love and Faith was obviously 
    Hatred and Fear. I lived this reality for approximately the same amount of time I lived in 
    Heaven. I have no regrets now, due to the feeling that I have experienced one of the highest 
    elations of existence and one of the lowest depressions as well. I have faith that there may 
    be even more extreme experiences to come, however I can feel that thought prey on my 
    hopes as well as my fears. 
    
    The single from Disturbed's Indestructible, Inside the Fire, initially brought back all those 
    feelings and memories from Hell. The video to the single affirmed those feelings greatly. I 
    listened to the song many times and tried to find a greater meaning due to the respect I 
    have for David Draiman. I consider him one of the more "enlightened" artists and knew 
    there was something more to the lyrics considering his words concerning immortality and 
    portals and whatnot. My mind felt something more, however I couldn't grasp it mentally. In 
    reality my Love had not committed suicide, both of us came close, but we chose something 
    else instead. 
    
    It wasn't until I saw the song performed live that I felt a truer meaning behind it all. 
    Essentially my love might as well had died. The connection we once had was lost forever. 
    The emotional violence behind it all changed us both forever. We would never see the same 
    person we fell in love with ever again. Those people are now lost beyond that portal.
    
    The lyrics and the video speak of what seems to be two suicides. First I found that I lost my 
    love for good, for eternity, forever. Second, I kill myself. Now the person who was capable of 
    loving her and being loved by her at the intensity that existed is now dead, gone for good, 
    for eternity, forever. 
    
    Yet here I stand alive and well.
    
    The Buddhists talk about an immortality through reincarnation. Essentially your true self is 
    immortal and never dies in the sense that everyone has a true self or soul which inhabits 
    every material body and life that they experience here on earth. Also, this is represented 
    through the idea of the oneness of existence. That everything is just another piece of the 
    whole and that the entirety of existence or that whole is immortal and cannot die. This 
    makes two ways to consider immortality. I will propose a third.
    
    Essentially there is the potential for immortality in every moment. In one moment you could 
    be a person who feels a certain way about certain things, ideas, or experiences. Then in the 
    next moment you could be an entirely different person in a sense that you feel differently 
    about those same things, ideas or experiences. If you frequently assassinate the people you 
    are that hold feelings you don't necessarily agree with, then you can see how an aspect of 
    yourself is entirely immortal, unwavering, unchangeable. What this part of you is you must 
    figure out for yourself. It could be the spirit, soul, astral/mental body or whatever. But it is 
    definitely something that has a very close relationship with the true nature of your being. 
    
    To me, realizing this has helped immensely just in the past twelve hours. I can now see the 
    liberated way to keep an ever open, ever malleable mind to be capable of adopting new ideas 
    and experiencing an unlimited potential in my reality. 
    
    There are now many lovers and phantoms of myself beyond the portal. 
    Take the word of one immortal. 
    


  • Thu, 17 Jul 2008 23:58:06 -0600

    It happens on a random Monday
    Coming back late from an even, or late on a Sunday night right
    before you're about to get on the plane & be frisked for the third
    time. You're driving, you're flying, you're sitting in an airport seat
    with boys from the team. You're drinking stale coffee trying to stay awake.
    You're explaining the fat welt on the side of your neck to a confused stranger
    or a best friend, you're coming back to the other life, the one without paintball,
    where no-one understands why you do it, you're tire, working off little sleep
    & the question creeps up& you try to ignore it. Why do I do this?
    Why the travel? Why the losses? The missed work; the missed school.
    Hours of practice & the complaining girlfriend, because of the lure of living
    a paintball life is just too potent & the products of the road, the travel, are
    forever in memories in strange lands with stranger people, because at
    tournaments you feel as though you can live as loud as you want, it's worth
    all the sacrifices its worth all the bullshit, cos if you work hard enough,
    a sunday will roll around & you'll be in the huddle screaming, your hand
    in, one of ten, playing for the world title & suddenly all of those cliches
    you've ever heard make sense & you are defined. You say it to yourself &
    it means everything.
    
    I am a paintball player, and this moment right here is my life.
    
    

    - Matty Marshall -



  • Thu, 10 Jul 2008 20:14:44 -0600

    wanna fly?
    wanna fly high?
    
    I'd offer my hand
    but you'd just weigh me down
    
    you couldn't handle this high
    
    sorry, but I won't sit still
    I won't hold that grudge
    I dont care for your fears
    
    because I love you with all I am
    I declare you paranoid
    
    and move on
    move on
    and on
    
    this moment is so fresh
    so new
    taste life and youll see it too
    
    learn to love the sour
    and it's bittersweet sensations
    
    butterflys follow me now
    the world is such a beautiful place
    
    adrenaline full bore
    passion soaked
    soul and spirit reborn
    ectasy neverending
    
    will I ever come down?
    will I ever come down?
    
    Who wants to get inside?
    


  • Fri, 27 Jun 2008 03:06:26 -0600

    gotta get my moves on
    gotta get my smooth on
    
    goin for a ride
    just cruizin
    listening to this song
    
    dancing with sirens
    all teasing me
    
    focused
    precise
    
    I move real fast
    dance right past 
    
    tasting the moment
    I slow the pace
    now im giving you a chance
    to save some face
    because don't you know?
    your not the only one
    
    your promiscuous curves
    aint anything new to me
    
    I've navigated your world
    believe me
    I've graduated those clouds
    try to deceive me
    
    Please, are you seriously done yet?
    or can't you get enough of this contact high
    
    I told you girl
    I'm nothing expected 
    born elevated
    you must be crazy
    ill make you dizzy
    
    keep askin
    keep twistin
    keep comin
    my initiation will break you
    passion overdose
    you won't know which way is up
    
    can you handle it?
    You want this respect?
    twist it slow
    slower
    deeper
    loose yourself
    and you'll have me
    


  • Wed, 25 Jun 2008 12:54:19 -0600

    The warrior without a fight
    seeks competition
    A hummingbird watches from a nearby tree
    down floats past his vision
    down is everywhere these days
    books left unread make him anxious
    sitting more like a stone
    Hagall haunts his mind
    patience is a virtue
    smelling the cigarette 
    sweet turkish tobacco
    earth compensating for fire
    Yearning to run, the warrior sleeps
    


  • Wed, 25 Jun 2008 00:39:28 -0600

    
    


  • Tue, 24 Jun 2008 06:00:49 -0600

    
    
    Change by Craig Kosak
    
    


  • Thu, 19 Jun 2008 04:34:33 -0600

    The lion roars as the rains begin
    A familiar smell fills my nose and the memories return
    
    The lion revels in the storm of the past
    Like a drug I can't get enough
    
    The animal inside begs me to continue
    The lust is a memory, but the passion is real
    
    the taste of flesh is almost too much
    I trace the curves of silky skin
    inhaling the buttery sweet smell
    
    The animal consumes
    every single vibration of the memory
    until nothing is left
    
    I look up and feel the rain on my face
    The lion roars, unsatisfied, ignored
    
    it will be free soon.
    


  • Wed, 18 Jun 2008 03:03:48 -0600

    I take the world
    the world as I know
    
    grasp it gently in my palm
    carrying the gift softly
    
    contemplating the purpose
    listening
    waiting
    
    compelled as if commanded
    I place the world in the center of 
    the free lilly
    
    and watch my world float away
    and without intention I float away
    to be what I am
    living how I feel I must
    hoping one day
    my world will come back to me
    


  • Wed, 18 Jun 2008 00:34:52 -0600

    The Void oozes a sweet nectar
    The mind bathes in it
    
    but the Void wastes not
    and soon mind suffers
    
    As it bathes soon it consumes
    all sweetness lost, it weeps
    
    a forgotten memory
    of existence so pure
    
    no bittersweet
    no loving hate
    no passionate lust
    
    a Void
    The Void
    
    When we asked for a single thing
    our assumption was choice
    and choice was our gift
    
    The Void oozes a sweet nectar
    consume it and taste the bitterness
    or kiss me and make honey for us both
    


  • Tue, 17 Jun 2008 02:52:56 -0600

    "Ah, women. They make the highs higher and the lows more frequent."
    
     - Nietzsche -
    


  • Tue, 17 Jun 2008 02:45:19 -0600

    It burns
    deep inside
    
    this rage is building
    it won't be contained
    
    I ignored the animal inside me
    and now everyone is the victim
    even myself
    
    SCREAM
    for recognition
    
    RISE
    for verification
    
    I am the one you awoke
    I am the tiger hidden in the grass
    
    too late
    its too late now
    too late
    its too late now
    
    to flee is not an option
    it never was
    
    you placed the animal for protection
    and then ignored it entirely
    
    Will you ever learn your lesson?
    Will you ever be able to run in the wild?
    
    Will you drink your blood and give some too?
    
    I'm pushing and fighting my way
    my way
    my highway
    my road
    my path
    
    I am the human who leaves a tiger's trail
    
    FEAR AWAKEN
    
    LIVIN A LIE 
    LIVIN A LIE
    LIVIN A LIE
    
    It's just like you
    to give me hope
    just to test me
    just to watch me suffer
    
    You make me want to give up
    You make me want to live up
    I want to die
    end it now
    
    Too familiar shadows
    descend upon me now
    
    I wallow
    


  • Fri, 06 Jun 2008 05:10:02 -0600

    The taste of life
    in all its joy
    in all its sorrow
    was but a dull roar
    
    motions pointless
    dreams fruitless
    
    Forced to make my own beauty
    desperate for the promised ecstasy
    
    digging in the mud
    trudging with bore
    my mind focused on the future at hand
    
    what gems I find are consumed entirely
    my internal flame sensual
    making love to the sweets of the universe
    
    The body has become satisfied
    satiated with health, energy, and pleasure
    grown strong by the resistance of this mud
    
    The mind is quick
    through the trials of the patterns
    like the sharpest knife
    truth is no longer a mystery
    
    A siren sings
    and my dreams are humbled
    beauty beyond my own ability
    
    like a gnat I'm drawn to the light
    of a creation greater than myself
    
    such a carefree spirit
    wakes my senses
    
    and again I hunger
    still satiated with pleasure as I knew it
    I yearn to fly high with her
    
    such a pleasure
    even the gods bend to her will
    
    I can't imagine the honor
    of her acknowledgment of my existence
    


  • Wed, 04 Jun 2008 23:09:54 -0600

    Oblivion becomes me
    My life, a lie
    
    a lie to you and all who question me
    
    secrets I know
    
    secrets I keep
    
    Oblivion becomes me
    My life, a test
    
    You need not treat me with respect
    
    secrets you wish you knew
    
    secrets I wish I could speak
    
    I could taunt you with ecstasy 
    ecstasy beyond your control
    your dreams becoming a reality
    the universe in the palm of your hand
    
    yet Oblivion becomes me
    
    and you will know nothing
    except what you have found for yourself
    
    While you seek God
    I become Him
    
    As ethereal as the dreams you chase
    
    I participate in no league
    I wave no flag
    I sport no badge
    I claim allegiance to none
    
    Secret societies are a waste of time
    


  • Wed, 04 Jun 2008 22:50:20 -0600

    I had intoxicated myself utterly with Alice; I had invested her with all 
    the insignia that my imagination could invent. Yet, loving her with all 
    my heart and soul, she had not seduced me from my service. I knew --- 
    and They who put her on my Path knew also --- that I was immune. I might 
    dally with Delilah as much as I liked and never risk the scissors. Love, 
    who binds other Samsons, blinds them and sets them to serve the 
    Philistines, to be their scorn and sport, would be to me my Light and 
    lead me in the way of liberty. The secret of my strength was the, that 
    love would always stand a shining symbol of my truth, that I loved 
    spiritually the soul of mankind. Therefore each woman, be she chaste or 
    wanton, faithful or false, inspiring me to scale the summits of song or 
    whispering me to wallow in the swamps of sin, would be to me no more 
    than a symbol in whose particular virtue my love could fins the bread 
    and wine of its universal eucharist.
    
    - Aleister Crowley -
    


  • Tue, 03 Jun 2008 01:24:18 -0600

    The yearning heart
    is the heaviest to carry
    
    Yet I carry it with pride
    for this desire is unique
    
    My lantern lights my path
    This way to salvation I suppose
    
    Time is my master
    always moving
    always flowing
    always closer
    but never near
    
    Time taunts me.
    Impatience grows
    or never existed
    
    The end is not what I seek
    
    It's those moments of bliss
    moments of clarity
    moments of joy
    laughter
    love
    
    they come and go
    
    They approach me from behind
    to tackle me by surprise 
    They fill me till im drunk
    
    so I never notice when they go
    
    and im left alone again with Time
    
    The lone wolf becomes me
    The lone warrior
    
    fighting, killing, sacrificing all
    for a cause he claims not his own
    
    yet none who meet him can see the reason
    none can see the logic
    none empathize with his cause
    
    You may care not, for he cares not
    You may judge for his pity blesses you
    You may gossip, for he is not of your world
    
    but dare to change or challenge him
    and you will act the fool
    
    for his sword is swift and precise
    and evolution prefers your death to his
    
    All fortunate ones must wait
    for their keeper is Time
    


  • Thu, 29 May 2008 02:54:15 -0600

    There is no such thing as history. The facts, 
    even were they available, are too numerous to grasp. 
    A selection must be made; and this can only be 
    one-sided, because the selector is enclosed in the 
    same network of time and space as his subject.
    
    - Aleister Crowley - 
    
    


  • Tue, 27 May 2008 01:29:20 -0600

    If you weren't so beautiful I could treat you
    with a different kind of respect.
    
    All who stand before you succumb to your ether
    Civilizations collapse before you
    
    The men who pray to no one
    pray to you
    
    Your body
    a holy altar
    
    Your mind
    the sharpest rapier
    
    The respect you deserve
    is the respect you receive
    
    Yet I cannot
    My mind cannot
    an understanding lost
    be the sight of you
    
    in your presence
    death is a welcome guest
    
    yet now
    
    I long to see such beauty again
    


  • Sat, 24 May 2008 23:11:06 -0600

    the pine needle is many
    resting like a blanket on the forest floor
    
    wind plays in the trees
    howling with glee
    
    eyes gaze to the stars
    considering the ancient light
    
    All is quiet tonight
    
    Where are the noises of owls
    or the bugs in the grass
    
    Where is the moon
    shining like a beacon for dreams
    
    noises creep from the winds
    may skin crawl
    
    May all be blessed tonight
    
    may I bring a fire to light
    use my gift to shut out the night
    
    I will provide my own warmth
    confidence and motivation
    
    Faith in the way of things
    will provide the rest
    


  • Thu, 22 May 2008 05:34:29 -0600

    Hooverphonic - Club Montepulciano

    and silence is golden..


  • Thu, 15 May 2008 01:35:03 -0600

    Chasing the Dragon

    The alarm sounds and I awake. I take a deep breathe and begin looking for my cell phone. Set the alarm for twenty minutes from now and fall back asleep. Why am I where I am? Why am I who I am? I never know where to go next. I am, always am. Living to dream. Dreaming to live. The chase is what I live. I follow the wisp of the tail of the beast. Of the truly free.. and enlightened. I want so much. I need so little. Moment by moment the potential energy rises. Rises and rises and rises and rises. Where the fuck is my catalyst? Where the fuck is my release? There is a fire inside no one can describe. It builds and builds and builds for ever and ever. Realizing this fire might have been a mistake. They say ignorance is bliss. I say awareness is life. Today is menial. Trivial, but necessary. My alarm goes off and I start the shower. Clean me Heal me Thank You Clean me Heal me Thank You Clean me Heal me Thank You I start preparing my mind for work. To think like the rest. How does corporate america depend on me? What role can I fit into to help the cog go round. What ideas can I bring to speed up the process and bless it with efficiency.. How can I revolutionize the industry? Silly thoughts.... I already realized long ago that in order to lead a revolution I need a following. There will be no following for me for a while. So whats my role tonight? How can I attempt to impress my many managers and coworkers without rocking the boat. To continue my education and support the community that drives the industry... Motivation Motivation Motivation. My stomach growls. It's been 28 since I ate anything solid. Fasting helps me think and brings my mood up, but damn I'm hungry. I gotta quit smoking too. My skin is starting to hate me for it. an addiction to a lifestyle.... Honestly cigarettes are probably the only thing holding me back right now. I need to start buying more gum... gum that's good for my teeth... ya that's a good idea. Then there is love. or is it lust? What do I feel? and what do I want? When the two come together... is that love? No, love is the knowledge that at any given moment you would gladly give your life for another. Lust is my battle. The fire inside will take any outlet I give it. The rising potential energy screams inside me for release. Primal urges become me. I am just an animal after all. Specifically male. I want to bite and grab and taste the flesh of beauty. but that is not love. I seek the mother of my children. A mind like my own. For now I continue to fight. Continue to meditate and train. I become more aware day by day, moment by moment. Right now I kill for my brothers. My teammates. I kill so that they may live. I sacrifice myself for the win. The hunger for glory is growing and I am their captain. They will depend on me to take them to the top. The podium was always ours. It was built for the day. Our day. Many friends, family and lovers. Many words dwarfed by the thoughts. I still come home to a cold bed. Even when it's warm, she can't see the Dragon's tail. It taunts me. Existing on a plane my body can't feel. Existing on a plane my mind can't understand. Ether envelopes me. Yet I can not feel it. The Dragon is here, but I can't catch it. not yet... I will not set my future lives up for failure. I see the Dragon's tail. I will see it's head. I will catch it and ride it into oblivion. Will she understand?


  • Wed, 14 May 2008 03:55:06 -0600



  • Wed, 14 May 2008 03:46:08 -0600



  • Tue, 13 May 2008 05:01:37 -0600

    Is there a woman who refuses to drink the fear?


  • Tue, 13 May 2008 04:47:40 -0600

    Sitting and waiting.
    waiting and sitting.
    
    sometimes I stand
    sometimes I speak
    sometimes I sleep
    but mostly sit
    
    I sit and think
    think to think to think
    
    I encompass thought
    thought that digs
    thought that searches
    for understanding
    
    the soil of this reality can be rough or smooth
    soft or dense
    light or heavy
    So goes the reality of the mind
    
    I sit and ponder my understanding of this world
    of life
    of what I am supposed to be doing
    and what im doing now.
    
    Wealth, society, law, morality, love, lust, greed and many more
    are all challenges of the mind.
    
    An epic battle wages inside me.
    The army of uniform and tradition wages an ever bloody war 
    against the armies of origionality and individual freedom.
    
    Who am I to choose right or wrong?
    
    To be or not to be,
    but I already am. Now what?
    
    A self imposed exile...
    tastes better than the drink of fear this society sells.
    
    I will walk this ever lonely path...
    so alone
    so alone
    
    the garden of eden
    full of all the fruit, beauty, and understanding God can offer.
    
    Was it the seventh day God created Eve?
    
    **looks it up real quick**
    
    bah, historians never get along...
    
    Fuck Lilith though, Ive been done with that demon lover for a long time.
    
    seriously where the fuck was I going with this?
    Where the fuck are we all going?
    
    I don't feel proud of any of this.
    
    When even I don't know how to appease my ego, how can I expect anyone else to?
    
    I am lost in my own self imposed exile.
    
    fuck
    


  • Thu, 08 May 2008 06:54:48 -0600



  • Thu, 08 May 2008 05:32:25 -0600

    Earth is me
    Fire in one hand
    Ice in the other
    Breathing Air between them....
    
    I go as fast or as slow as I want
    when I travel this fantastic land
    
    I will swim
    I will fly
    I will run
    I will ride
    to whatever destination I had in mind
    
    Living moment to moment
    breath by breath
    beat by beat
    
    Reality being what I make it
    Life being what I wish it
    
    I wake to a dream within a dream within a dream
    I do what I want, where I want, when I want to
    
    Show me the volume to your senses
    and lets crank the shit up.


  • Thu, 08 May 2008 01:48:41 -0600

    The feedback page is now interactive... kinda.


  • Thu, 08 May 2008 00:30:19 -0600

    Starting fresh...
    
    something new
    
    something different
    
    something to write
    
    something to think about
    
    something to consume
    
    something...