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Welcome to the personal website of a very confused determined citizen of earth.
Some Dates and Notes...
- Fri, 25 Jul 2008 03:07:27 -0600
- Wed, 23 Jul 2008 01:23:39 -0600
Disturbed - Inside The Fire
We are immortal
- Tue, 22 Jul 2008 01:23:03 -0600
A thought for perspective-you are always what you most wish-the prospective!
Your desire is to live according to your desire, and this you are always
realizing! Most noble sentiment!-you are "it" already-"the satisfied"-"the
desireless"-"the real thing"! You are drunk with it.
- Austin Osman Spare -
- Mon, 21 Jul 2008 17:48:21 -0600
Last night I went to the 2008 Rockstar Mayhem Festival at the Fidler's Green Amphitheater in
Englewood Colorado. I went to see many bands, but I was most anxious to see Disturbed.
They had just released their latest album "Indestructible" and like all their other albums,
they had evolved their sound a lot.
The single on this album raised some very interesting feelings in me when I initially heard it.
Most of these feelings surrounded memories of the past that involved a sort of "Lost Love".
The lyrics speak of a suicide, however my memories had nothing to do with that in a literal
sense. Essentially I was the one who wished for death and considered suicide as an option.
What I had was heaven on earth. There was no doubt about that. She was my Eve and I her
Adam. Together we were God's children and there was nothing to fear at all. This was my
world. This was my reality. However, eventually it collapsed and I was left devastated. Now,
due to the dualistic nature of humanities experience of life I was in Hell. Hell was just as
magnificent and extreme as Heaven. The extreme opposite of Love and Faith was obviously
Hatred and Fear. I lived this reality for approximately the same amount of time I lived in
Heaven. I have no regrets now, due to the feeling that I have experienced one of the highest
elations of existence and one of the lowest depressions as well. I have faith that there may
be even more extreme experiences to come, however I can feel that thought prey on my
hopes as well as my fears.
The single from Disturbed's Indestructible, Inside the Fire, initially brought back all those
feelings and memories from Hell. The video to the single affirmed those feelings greatly. I
listened to the song many times and tried to find a greater meaning due to the respect I
have for David Draiman. I consider him one of the more "enlightened" artists and knew
there was something more to the lyrics considering his words concerning immortality and
portals and whatnot. My mind felt something more, however I couldn't grasp it mentally. In
reality my Love had not committed suicide, both of us came close, but we chose something
else instead.
It wasn't until I saw the song performed live that I felt a truer meaning behind it all.
Essentially my love might as well had died. The connection we once had was lost forever.
The emotional violence behind it all changed us both forever. We would never see the same
person we fell in love with ever again. Those people are now lost beyond that portal.
The lyrics and the video speak of what seems to be two suicides. First I found that I lost my
love for good, for eternity, forever. Second, I kill myself. Now the person who was capable of
loving her and being loved by her at the intensity that existed is now dead, gone for good,
for eternity, forever.
Yet here I stand alive and well.
The Buddhists talk about an immortality through reincarnation. Essentially your true self is
immortal and never dies in the sense that everyone has a true self or soul which inhabits
every material body and life that they experience here on earth. Also, this is represented
through the idea of the oneness of existence. That everything is just another piece of the
whole and that the entirety of existence or that whole is immortal and cannot die. This
makes two ways to consider immortality. I will propose a third.
Essentially there is the potential for immortality in every moment. In one moment you could
be a person who feels a certain way about certain things, ideas, or experiences. Then in the
next moment you could be an entirely different person in a sense that you feel differently
about those same things, ideas or experiences. If you frequently assassinate the people you
are that hold feelings you don't necessarily agree with, then you can see how an aspect of
yourself is entirely immortal, unwavering, unchangeable. What this part of you is you must
figure out for yourself. It could be the spirit, soul, astral/mental body or whatever. But it is
definitely something that has a very close relationship with the true nature of your being.
To me, realizing this has helped immensely just in the past twelve hours. I can now see the
liberated way to keep an ever open, ever malleable mind to be capable of adopting new ideas
and experiencing an unlimited potential in my reality.
There are now many lovers and phantoms of myself beyond the portal.
Take the word of one immortal.
- Thu, 17 Jul 2008 23:58:06 -0600
It happens on a random Monday
Coming back late from an even, or late on a Sunday night right
before you're about to get on the plane & be frisked for the third
time. You're driving, you're flying, you're sitting in an airport seat
with boys from the team. You're drinking stale coffee trying to stay awake.
You're explaining the fat welt on the side of your neck to a confused stranger
or a best friend, you're coming back to the other life, the one without paintball,
where no-one understands why you do it, you're tire, working off little sleep
& the question creeps up& you try to ignore it. Why do I do this?
Why the travel? Why the losses? The missed work; the missed school.
Hours of practice & the complaining girlfriend, because of the lure of living
a paintball life is just too potent & the products of the road, the travel, are
forever in memories in strange lands with stranger people, because at
tournaments you feel as though you can live as loud as you want, it's worth
all the sacrifices its worth all the bullshit, cos if you work hard enough,
a sunday will roll around & you'll be in the huddle screaming, your hand
in, one of ten, playing for the world title & suddenly all of those cliches
you've ever heard make sense & you are defined. You say it to yourself &
it means everything.
I am a paintball player, and this moment right here is my life.
- Matty Marshall -
- Thu, 10 Jul 2008 20:14:44 -0600
wanna fly?
wanna fly high?
I'd offer my hand
but you'd just weigh me down
you couldn't handle this high
sorry, but I won't sit still
I won't hold that grudge
I dont care for your fears
because I love you with all I am
I declare you paranoid
and move on
move on
and on
this moment is so fresh
so new
taste life and youll see it too
learn to love the sour
and it's bittersweet sensations
butterflys follow me now
the world is such a beautiful place
adrenaline full bore
passion soaked
soul and spirit reborn
ectasy neverending
will I ever come down?
will I ever come down?
Who wants to get inside?
- Fri, 27 Jun 2008 03:06:26 -0600
gotta get my moves on
gotta get my smooth on
goin for a ride
just cruizin
listening to this song
dancing with sirens
all teasing me
focused
precise
I move real fast
dance right past
tasting the moment
I slow the pace
now im giving you a chance
to save some face
because don't you know?
your not the only one
your promiscuous curves
aint anything new to me
I've navigated your world
believe me
I've graduated those clouds
try to deceive me
Please, are you seriously done yet?
or can't you get enough of this contact high
I told you girl
I'm nothing expected
born elevated
you must be crazy
ill make you dizzy
keep askin
keep twistin
keep comin
my initiation will break you
passion overdose
you won't know which way is up
can you handle it?
You want this respect?
twist it slow
slower
deeper
loose yourself
and you'll have me
- Wed, 25 Jun 2008 12:54:19 -0600
The warrior without a fight
seeks competition
A hummingbird watches from a nearby tree
down floats past his vision
down is everywhere these days
books left unread make him anxious
sitting more like a stone
Hagall haunts his mind
patience is a virtue
smelling the cigarette
sweet turkish tobacco
earth compensating for fire
Yearning to run, the warrior sleeps
- Wed, 25 Jun 2008 00:39:28 -0600
- Tue, 24 Jun 2008 06:00:49 -0600
Change by Craig Kosak
- Thu, 19 Jun 2008 04:34:33 -0600
The lion roars as the rains begin
A familiar smell fills my nose and the memories return
The lion revels in the storm of the past
Like a drug I can't get enough
The animal inside begs me to continue
The lust is a memory, but the passion is real
the taste of flesh is almost too much
I trace the curves of silky skin
inhaling the buttery sweet smell
The animal consumes
every single vibration of the memory
until nothing is left
I look up and feel the rain on my face
The lion roars, unsatisfied, ignored
it will be free soon.
- Wed, 18 Jun 2008 03:03:48 -0600
I take the world
the world as I know
grasp it gently in my palm
carrying the gift softly
contemplating the purpose
listening
waiting
compelled as if commanded
I place the world in the center of
the free lilly
and watch my world float away
and without intention I float away
to be what I am
living how I feel I must
hoping one day
my world will come back to me
- Wed, 18 Jun 2008 00:34:52 -0600
The Void oozes a sweet nectar
The mind bathes in it
but the Void wastes not
and soon mind suffers
As it bathes soon it consumes
all sweetness lost, it weeps
a forgotten memory
of existence so pure
no bittersweet
no loving hate
no passionate lust
a Void
The Void
When we asked for a single thing
our assumption was choice
and choice was our gift
The Void oozes a sweet nectar
consume it and taste the bitterness
or kiss me and make honey for us both
- Tue, 17 Jun 2008 02:52:56 -0600
"Ah, women. They make the highs higher and the lows more frequent."
- Nietzsche -
- Tue, 17 Jun 2008 02:45:19 -0600
It burns
deep inside
this rage is building
it won't be contained
I ignored the animal inside me
and now everyone is the victim
even myself
SCREAM
for recognition
RISE
for verification
I am the one you awoke
I am the tiger hidden in the grass
too late
its too late now
too late
its too late now
to flee is not an option
it never was
you placed the animal for protection
and then ignored it entirely
Will you ever learn your lesson?
Will you ever be able to run in the wild?
Will you drink your blood and give some too?
I'm pushing and fighting my way
my way
my highway
my road
my path
I am the human who leaves a tiger's trail
FEAR AWAKEN
LIVIN A LIE
LIVIN A LIE
LIVIN A LIE
It's just like you
to give me hope
just to test me
just to watch me suffer
You make me want to give up
You make me want to live up
I want to die
end it now
Too familiar shadows
descend upon me now
I wallow
- Fri, 06 Jun 2008 05:10:02 -0600
The taste of life
in all its joy
in all its sorrow
was but a dull roar
motions pointless
dreams fruitless
Forced to make my own beauty
desperate for the promised ecstasy
digging in the mud
trudging with bore
my mind focused on the future at hand
what gems I find are consumed entirely
my internal flame sensual
making love to the sweets of the universe
The body has become satisfied
satiated with health, energy, and pleasure
grown strong by the resistance of this mud
The mind is quick
through the trials of the patterns
like the sharpest knife
truth is no longer a mystery
A siren sings
and my dreams are humbled
beauty beyond my own ability
like a gnat I'm drawn to the light
of a creation greater than myself
such a carefree spirit
wakes my senses
and again I hunger
still satiated with pleasure as I knew it
I yearn to fly high with her
such a pleasure
even the gods bend to her will
I can't imagine the honor
of her acknowledgment of my existence
- Wed, 04 Jun 2008 23:09:54 -0600
Oblivion becomes me
My life, a lie
a lie to you and all who question me
secrets I know
secrets I keep
Oblivion becomes me
My life, a test
You need not treat me with respect
secrets you wish you knew
secrets I wish I could speak
I could taunt you with ecstasy
ecstasy beyond your control
your dreams becoming a reality
the universe in the palm of your hand
yet Oblivion becomes me
and you will know nothing
except what you have found for yourself
While you seek God
I become Him
As ethereal as the dreams you chase
I participate in no league
I wave no flag
I sport no badge
I claim allegiance to none
Secret societies are a waste of time
- Wed, 04 Jun 2008 22:50:20 -0600
I had intoxicated myself utterly with Alice; I had invested her with all
the insignia that my imagination could invent. Yet, loving her with all
my heart and soul, she had not seduced me from my service. I knew ---
and They who put her on my Path knew also --- that I was immune. I might
dally with Delilah as much as I liked and never risk the scissors. Love,
who binds other Samsons, blinds them and sets them to serve the
Philistines, to be their scorn and sport, would be to me my Light and
lead me in the way of liberty. The secret of my strength was the, that
love would always stand a shining symbol of my truth, that I loved
spiritually the soul of mankind. Therefore each woman, be she chaste or
wanton, faithful or false, inspiring me to scale the summits of song or
whispering me to wallow in the swamps of sin, would be to me no more
than a symbol in whose particular virtue my love could fins the bread
and wine of its universal eucharist.
- Aleister Crowley -
- Tue, 03 Jun 2008 01:24:18 -0600
The yearning heart
is the heaviest to carry
Yet I carry it with pride
for this desire is unique
My lantern lights my path
This way to salvation I suppose
Time is my master
always moving
always flowing
always closer
but never near
Time taunts me.
Impatience grows
or never existed
The end is not what I seek
It's those moments of bliss
moments of clarity
moments of joy
laughter
love
they come and go
They approach me from behind
to tackle me by surprise
They fill me till im drunk
so I never notice when they go
and im left alone again with Time
The lone wolf becomes me
The lone warrior
fighting, killing, sacrificing all
for a cause he claims not his own
yet none who meet him can see the reason
none can see the logic
none empathize with his cause
You may care not, for he cares not
You may judge for his pity blesses you
You may gossip, for he is not of your world
but dare to change or challenge him
and you will act the fool
for his sword is swift and precise
and evolution prefers your death to his
All fortunate ones must wait
for their keeper is Time
- Thu, 29 May 2008 02:54:15 -0600
There is no such thing as history. The facts,
even were they available, are too numerous to grasp.
A selection must be made; and this can only be
one-sided, because the selector is enclosed in the
same network of time and space as his subject.
- Aleister Crowley -
- Tue, 27 May 2008 01:29:20 -0600
If you weren't so beautiful I could treat you
with a different kind of respect.
All who stand before you succumb to your ether
Civilizations collapse before you
The men who pray to no one
pray to you
Your body
a holy altar
Your mind
the sharpest rapier
The respect you deserve
is the respect you receive
Yet I cannot
My mind cannot
an understanding lost
be the sight of you
in your presence
death is a welcome guest
yet now
I long to see such beauty again
- Sat, 24 May 2008 23:11:06 -0600
the pine needle is many
resting like a blanket on the forest floor
wind plays in the trees
howling with glee
eyes gaze to the stars
considering the ancient light
All is quiet tonight
Where are the noises of owls
or the bugs in the grass
Where is the moon
shining like a beacon for dreams
noises creep from the winds
may skin crawl
May all be blessed tonight
may I bring a fire to light
use my gift to shut out the night
I will provide my own warmth
confidence and motivation
Faith in the way of things
will provide the rest
- Thu, 22 May 2008 05:34:29 -0600
Hooverphonic - Club Montepulciano
and silence is golden..
- Thu, 15 May 2008 01:35:03 -0600
Chasing the Dragon
The alarm sounds and I awake.
I take a deep breathe and begin looking for my cell phone.
Set the alarm for twenty minutes from now and fall back asleep.
Why am I where I am?
Why am I who I am?
I never know where to go next.
I am, always am.
Living to dream.
Dreaming to live.
The chase is what I live.
I follow the wisp of the tail of the beast. Of the truly free..
and enlightened.
I want so much. I need so little.
Moment by moment the potential energy rises.
Rises and rises and rises and rises.
Where the fuck is my catalyst?
Where the fuck is my release?
There is a fire inside no one can describe.
It builds and builds and builds for ever and ever.
Realizing this fire might have been a mistake.
They say ignorance is bliss.
I say awareness is life.
Today is menial. Trivial, but necessary.
My alarm goes off and I start the shower.
Clean me Heal me Thank You
Clean me Heal me Thank You
Clean me Heal me Thank You
I start preparing my mind for work. To think like the rest.
How does corporate america depend on me?
What role can I fit into to help the cog go round.
What ideas can I bring to speed up the process
and bless it with efficiency..
How can I revolutionize the industry?
Silly thoughts....
I already realized long ago that in order to lead a
revolution I need a following.
There will be no following for me for a while.
So whats my role tonight?
How can I attempt to impress my many managers and coworkers
without rocking the boat.
To continue my education and support the community that
drives the industry...
Motivation Motivation Motivation.
My stomach growls.
It's been 28 since I ate anything solid.
Fasting helps me think and brings my mood up, but damn I'm hungry.
I gotta quit smoking too. My skin is starting to hate me for it.
an addiction to a lifestyle....
Honestly cigarettes are probably the only thing holding me back
right now.
I need to start buying more gum...
gum that's good for my teeth...
ya that's a good idea.
Then there is love.
or is it lust?
What do I feel? and what do I want?
When the two come together... is that love?
No, love is the knowledge that at any given moment
you would gladly give your life for another.
Lust is my battle.
The fire inside will take any outlet I give it.
The rising potential energy screams inside me for release.
Primal urges become me.
I am just an animal after all. Specifically male.
I want to bite and grab and taste the flesh of beauty.
but that is not love.
I seek the mother of my children.
A mind like my own.
For now I continue to fight.
Continue to meditate and train.
I become more aware day by day, moment by moment.
Right now I kill for my brothers. My teammates.
I kill so that they may live. I sacrifice myself for the win.
The hunger for glory is growing and I am their captain.
They will depend on me to take them to the top.
The podium was always ours.
It was built for the day. Our day.
Many friends, family and lovers.
Many words dwarfed by the thoughts.
I still come home to a cold bed.
Even when it's warm, she can't see the Dragon's tail.
It taunts me.
Existing on a plane my body can't feel.
Existing on a plane my mind can't understand.
Ether envelopes me.
Yet I can not feel it.
The Dragon is here, but I can't catch it.
not yet...
I will not set my future lives up for failure.
I see the Dragon's tail. I will see it's head.
I will catch it and ride it into oblivion.
Will she understand?
- Wed, 14 May 2008 03:55:06 -0600
- Wed, 14 May 2008 03:46:08 -0600
- Tue, 13 May 2008 05:01:37 -0600
Is there a woman who refuses to drink the fear?
- Tue, 13 May 2008 04:47:40 -0600
Sitting and waiting.
waiting and sitting.
sometimes I stand
sometimes I speak
sometimes I sleep
but mostly sit
I sit and think
think to think to think
I encompass thought
thought that digs
thought that searches
for understanding
the soil of this reality can be rough or smooth
soft or dense
light or heavy
So goes the reality of the mind
I sit and ponder my understanding of this world
of life
of what I am supposed to be doing
and what im doing now.
Wealth, society, law, morality, love, lust, greed and many more
are all challenges of the mind.
An epic battle wages inside me.
The army of uniform and tradition wages an ever bloody war
against the armies of origionality and individual freedom.
Who am I to choose right or wrong?
To be or not to be,
but I already am. Now what?
A self imposed exile...
tastes better than the drink of fear this society sells.
I will walk this ever lonely path...
so alone
so alone
the garden of eden
full of all the fruit, beauty, and understanding God can offer.
Was it the seventh day God created Eve?
**looks it up real quick**
bah, historians never get along...
Fuck Lilith though, Ive been done with that demon lover for a long time.
seriously where the fuck was I going with this?
Where the fuck are we all going?
I don't feel proud of any of this.
When even I don't know how to appease my ego, how can I expect anyone else to?
I am lost in my own self imposed exile.
fuck
- Thu, 08 May 2008 06:54:48 -0600
- Thu, 08 May 2008 05:32:25 -0600
Earth is me
Fire in one hand
Ice in the other
Breathing Air between them....
I go as fast or as slow as I want
when I travel this fantastic land
I will swim
I will fly
I will run
I will ride
to whatever destination I had in mind
Living moment to moment
breath by breath
beat by beat
Reality being what I make it
Life being what I wish it
I wake to a dream within a dream within a dream
I do what I want, where I want, when I want to
Show me the volume to your senses
and lets crank the shit up.
- Thu, 08 May 2008 01:48:41 -0600
The feedback page is now interactive... kinda.
- Thu, 08 May 2008 00:30:19 -0600
Starting fresh...
something new
something different
something to write
something to think about
something to consume
something...
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