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Welcome to the personal website of a very confused determined citizen of earth.
Some Dates and Notes...
- Fri, 05 Sep 2008 05:26:52 -0600
(5:31:13 AM) magari: why is life so intense for me?
(5:31:22 AM) magari: why can't I be like everyone else
(5:31:25 AM) magari: immune to the waves
(5:31:30 AM) magari: immune to the energy
(5:31:35 AM) magari: immune to the feelings?
(5:32:02 AM) magari: heal me@!
(5:32:10 AM) magari: *bangs head on desk*
(5:32:21 AM) magari: touch me@!
-- no answer --
- Fri, 05 Sep 2008 05:14:53 -0600
Opportunity near
Horizon closing
Chance at hand
the path to understanding
leads you through yourself
and into me
tell me your dreams he said
and ill show you the door
but don't even bother
if you cant handle the fear
don't even bother
if you cannot trust
I will carry you
anywhere you wish to go
but you will never arrive
if you cant step down
if its love you seek
and you look into me
it will be love you have
for it I am full
yet if its love you misunderstand
then it will be your soul.
- Fri, 05 Sep 2008 05:10:53 -0600
Love songs and poems don't get you any women
but I keep writing.
and the thoughts keep coming
I figure
if I put em down here
put em down there
the thoughts might come faster
and they do
its a race to a solution
no real reasoning behind it
just a race
towards something
I figure
if anyone is going anywhere
ill get there sooner
the more I think
the more I write
it ain't right
to be me
its torture
I swear.
- Fri, 05 Sep 2008 04:56:31 -0600
8 Count - by Charles Bukowski
from my bed
I watch
3 birds
on a telephone
wire.
one flies
off.
then
another.
one is left,
then
it too
is gone.
my typewriter is
tombstone
still.
and I am
reduced to bird
watching.
just thought I'd
let you
know,
fucker.
- Fri, 05 Sep 2008 04:55:42 -0600
Waiting is the story of my life and love-sick the tragedy.
- Wed, 03 Sep 2008 01:54:09 -0600
I know I break my own heart.
Drowned in rum.
sweet coconut rum.
make it whatever you want.
I am still waiting for you.
By the time you find me though.
My heart will be yours,
but you may need to force feed me yours.
We are all vampires.
- Wed, 03 Sep 2008 01:16:38 -0600
What are women for?
They say its better to have loved and lost
well honestly I learned more about myself by losing love
than ever having it.
Ever since then though its been like a drug
a never ending with drawl.
I'm a one woman kind of man.
but finding that kind of fix
is like searching for that gram of purity
amongst a pound of flower.
The rest is just a tease
something to activate the senses
getting the heart pounding
the loins yearning
and when I inhale
and lose hope
the weight of the world rests on my shoulders.
Yet I wouldn't be human
if I didn't chase it.
I wouldn't be a man
if I didn't enjoy it.
So whats a woman for me for?
Why the desire for something seemingly useless?
At first I thought I was understood.
I thought something was shared
but my heart was the feast
not hers.
What did I accomplish in love
that I couldn't alone?
FUCK
- Wed, 03 Sep 2008 00:50:00 -0600
June Leeloo
- Tue, 02 Sep 2008 02:43:06 -0600
There are two houseflies in my bathroom.
I think they are in love.
Whenever I enter they are always occupying the same place together.
The toilet.
The toothpaste.
The mirror.
The razor.
When I come in they fly up together.
Each attempting to tackle the other.
It's almost a race to see which one can land on me first
while I'm on the toilet,
or inspecting a pimple.
Playing hide and seek around my body.
I think they realize that they will die there.
Together.
Both probably ending up down the drain.
Maybe the sink, or the bathtub.
However, instead of holding each other till the end.
They dance and play
making the most of my tiny bathroom.
Such a beautiful love.
I'm almost honored that they chose my bathroom
to live the rest of their tiny lives together.
till the end.
whenever that may be.
Will I be sad?
- Fri, 29 Aug 2008 05:45:29 -0600
- Fri, 29 Aug 2008 04:47:58 -0600
Full of fire
I want to shine
shine on you
Full of freedom
I want to break
break all in your way
Full of bravery
I want to lead you
lead you to your desire
Full of passion
I want to pour
pour this ecstasy on you
then the moment's gone
and we walk separately
to other worlds
- Thu, 28 Aug 2008 02:47:58 -0600
This is epic.
Thousands of souls
all thirst for the same.
This is epic.
All minds live the torture
of an unsatisfied spirit.
This is epic.
Take my hand,
ride the rhythm,
shift the polarity.
I come once and for all
to rid myself of this suffering
I will stand alone as long as I must
to attract that which I desire most.
You'll find me at the peaks and the lows.
Screaming at the sky above
Pushing forever forward, till death do I part.
This life is my own, and not a single other
will attempt its definition.
Instead I will define them.
Humanity becomes me.
Push the boundaries
Stand on the edge
and evolution rewards.
Follow the herd and feed the machine.
This is epic.
One chance, only one
to master all you know
This is epic.
Simply, epic.
This is epic.
God will know once and for all
Why we all exist.
We are all products of cause and effect.
We will forever become
become the effects of our causes
What is flesh, but another rotting fruit.
taste me now then
taste me now then
Let my blood get you high
Let the light fill your eyes
Let the music fill your ears
Feel the Ecstasy throughout
Kiss a god
then die
- Wed, 27 Aug 2008 05:38:44 -0600
Oh, how to caress you with fire?
How to heat you without searing?
How do I let this ripen without bruising?
The hope is far more delicate
than the weakest of things
So easily it could fall
So easily is the possibility.
I know I'm deserving
I know I have everything to give
Yet intentions are left unknown
Have I found the land of beauty?
or just another lust fairy?
fuck it I prefer the mystery.
Lets play paintball.
- Mon, 25 Aug 2008 09:20:15 -0600
Anything real is already dead or dieing.
Seekers of the truth find themselves in the middle of war
There is no majority here.
Half of our kin at the neck of the other half
All progress debatable.
The occult... debatable.
The building blocks of this now very unstable foundation
begin to disagree
Plato, Washington, Newton, Pythagoras!
What have you done?
My brothers and sisters!
Don't hate to feel!
A synthetic high is living a lie!
but it was meant to be
a necessity.
I choose the opposite extreme
to live moment to moment
Striving to stay on the edge
for if it was meant to be
may the chaos take me
Disappointment is the test you see
Can your spirit be broken?
Many dreams have been stolen from me
but I continue to push forward
each time closer
to the truth
to whats real
each time higher
to fall further.
- Fri, 22 Aug 2008 04:16:11 -0600
I feel this so you don't have to
You don't know me
You can't see me
I am a shadow to all
I ponder this reality
so you can live it.
I shine in the darkest of places
holding my torch high
holding back the eyes in the blackness
I stand tall
on the front lines
of all your fears
A human on the front lines
considering the all
enduring the all
Wading, loving the blackness
What the fuck would you have to say to me
What the fuck could you do?
Don't dare get in my way
The freaks don't respect you.
I'm hardened to the core
with roots in it all
The little pieces I leave behind
leave you drunk
attempting to near me you stumble
trip and fall
When I try to help
my touch leaves you in a trance
so alone I continue
Holding the torch high.
Keeping back the freaks in the dark
the demons and vampires
I hold no fear for them
They will feed on others
What the fuck would you have to say to me
What the fuck could you do?
Don't dare get in my way
The freaks don't respect you.
If I blink for a moment
get caught up in the ecstasy
in the passion
the strong ones approach my light
they catch me by surprise
the fool is just a reminder
A lion roars
and some eat their own flesh
In the shadows you will find me
watching
waiting
wandering
seeking the light on the far side
May I meet more like myself
- Wed, 20 Aug 2008 02:27:48 -0600
- Tue, 19 Aug 2008 06:12:55 -0600
Did you ever hear what I told you?
Did you ever read what I wrote you?
Did you ever listen to what we played?
Did you ever let in what the world said?
Did we get this far just to feel your hate?
Did we play to become only pawns in the game?
How blind can you be, don't you see?
You chose the long road, but we'll be waiting
- Tue, 19 Aug 2008 03:48:45 -0600
Life comes in waves you see
one moment your ahead
the next behind
or so it seems
because life comes in waves you see
After long periods of what seems like zero progress it all comes at me at once.
When I am not surfing these waves of change it feels like I'm struggling to make
them come. I know what needs to be done, I know what changes to make, but the
world around me refuses to keep up. I push and push and push to the brink of
insanity and then it all breaks loose.
They say be careful what you wish for
for life comes in waves you see
moderation may indeed be the key
I haven't learned my lesson yet
might take another life or so I bet
Focus is what I'm good at though. Slowing it all down, taking it all in. Seeing
the possibilities in all. The point? You ask. I wish I knew.
The heart....
is a beast that's impossible to control.
It sings a song for those who listen
For those who feel
For those who care
The feeling itself is so overwhelming its hard to determine what I'm acting upon
and whether or not its in my best interest. All the prophets of the world speak
to train the ego, but is there anything to gain from training the heart? Mine
seems to lead me in so many directions I can't tell which way is up, which way
is my way.
Is this real?
Is this meant to be?
Tear my dreams from me
just one more time.
again and again
toss me to the flames
to burn internally
or give me true hope.
Desires breed this life. Live to satisfy thy self. Self-love is the hidden
scripture. The answer inside the answers. It is everything you can't imagine.
It is everything you knew all along. Faith doesn't get you anywhere, but
provides the necessary motivation to seek out your desires. A lack of faith
breeds weakness.
Holding strong I burn internally
living again I push harder
relentless
forever forward
never the opposite
always on the edge
spitting in the devils face.
- Wed, 13 Aug 2008 22:53:45 -0600
do you ever wonder why
do you ever seek the answer
Have you looked for the reason
Have you ever followed the root
Ever wondered why its there
Ever wondered how its possible
Did you ever wonder what allows it all
What makes a thing a thing
and idea an idea
Ever take that trip towards the source?
and how far did you get?
Ever feel your mind struggle
with the questions of your own creation
Ever tried to see it once
another person's way
Did you give up
when the discomfort set in
or did you pursue it
through the depths of hell
and find heaven on the other side?
- Sat, 09 Aug 2008 20:01:32 -0600
Its the beauty I yearn for
To be able to show my appreciation
and receive a little bit too
drunk off the pain I wail
I wail and wail and wail
but no one hears me
so I lay down
two feet still in the hot tub
my heart so heavy
I fear it might drop right out of me
I wail to myself
I expect no answer
The beauty around me
brings tears to my eyes
to be surrounded by your upmost desires
yet unable to experience them
torture at it's finest
now a cigarette
been 5 weeks clean
just one...
couldn't hurt...
so drunk
the vodka burns
where was I
was I anywhere
going nowhere
and everywhere
I feel like a needle in a haystack
will she ever find me
will she ever hear me
playing my song
who dances to this tune
I do
I do
still drunk
they call alcohol a depressant
fuck them
fuck me
fuck you
just fuck
fuck
im going nowhere
fast
the beauty
the beauty
hair so spiky
eyes piercing
belly flat
soft voice
she is what dreams are made of
if only I could find her
- Wed, 06 Aug 2008 05:30:45 -0600
Found here.
- Wed, 06 Aug 2008 05:14:08 -0600
- Tue, 05 Aug 2008 22:53:59 -0600
I live for nights like these
when the waves of chaos are high
and the ride is smooth
crashes make or break lives
I ride these waves
you can feel the electricity in the air
unlimited potentials
the doors of opportunity are wide
for those who can see them
I walk through calmly
In the hour of chaos
life is what you make it
the choice is yours
destiny in the palm of your hand
break on through to the other side.
- Tue, 05 Aug 2008 03:32:23 -0600
Fear nothing
for if I were to happen
you would have already experienced me
I've done this a million times before
It's too late
you can't defeat me now
The catalyst is over
Call me kinetic
Don't look into the Sun
when I leave you all behind
Don't look into the Sun
when I leave you all behind
Fear not, for I will not
I'll be back to unlock your cage
After my wings have wilted and fallen
You could try and catch me
but either way the earth will break my fall
God save us all if I don't get up.
But I will stand if my legs still work
its what I do
been doing it for years
Never needed anything but myself.
Don't look into the Sun
when I leave you all behind.
Ready to die in obscurity
- Tue, 05 Aug 2008 00:05:52 -0600
Tonight I stand, my own man
Grown on the feces of society
Tonight I stand, my own man
Corporate gods envy me
Tonight I stand, my own man
Tempted by the flesh
Tonight I stand, my own man
I'm deaf
I'm dumb
I'm blind
I'm mute
to the rest
but Tonight I stand, my own man
I bleed
I vomit
I piss
I shit
everything you ever hoped to stand for
but Tonight I stand, my own man
never have I considered
the endless potential inside
better kill me now
before I kill you
otherwise get out of my way
because Tonight I stand, my own man
- Fri, 25 Jul 2008 22:30:24 -0600
I want to kiss the flat belly of my love.
make love to her abs with my mouth.
look up between her breasts into her eyes.
stars born to compliment her smile.
- Fri, 25 Jul 2008 22:29:54 -0600
- Fri, 25 Jul 2008 22:21:20 -0600
I want to kiss the flat belly of my love.
make love to her abs with my mouth.
look up between her breasts into her eyes.
stars born to compliment her smile.
- Fri, 25 Jul 2008 21:59:06 -0600
- Fri, 25 Jul 2008 18:55:14 -0600
Tell everyone everything's fine
I leave you all, I don't know why
no love for me
no understanding for you
No one else can so it seems I must
Tell everyone everything's fine
you won't even see me go
with a laugh I disappear
I never existed
miss me not
tell everyone everything's fine
faith or not, mortality becomes us
immortality now
death in the past and future
I carry the torch, but everyone is still blind
tell everyone everything's fine.
on my way home now, wherever that may be
driving forever into your fears
holding back the devil for a stranger's comfort
hypnotized by my own mind
tell everyone everything's fine.
- Fri, 25 Jul 2008 18:40:27 -0600
Let me shed this skin and fly
sitting here doing not
thinking a lot
a rage builds deep inside
these thoughts are too heavy
for this mere mortal
I throw up my sky hook
but no one flys by
the disappointment is my own
everyone told me it was this way
I feel all the pain, yet I still believe
I feel all the hurt, yet I still believe
thoughts too heavy
all they do is feed the fire inside.
all they do is force me to shift
kill myself already
kill myself already
shed my skin and fly
- Fri, 25 Jul 2008 03:07:27 -0600
- Wed, 23 Jul 2008 01:23:39 -0600
Disturbed - Inside The Fire
We are immortal
- Tue, 22 Jul 2008 01:23:03 -0600
A thought for perspective-you are always what you most wish-the prospective!
Your desire is to live according to your desire, and this you are always
realizing! Most noble sentiment!-you are "it" already-"the satisfied"-"the
desireless"-"the real thing"! You are drunk with it.
- Austin Osman Spare -
- Mon, 21 Jul 2008 17:48:21 -0600
Last night I went to the 2008 Rockstar Mayhem Festival at the Fidler's Green Amphitheater in
Englewood Colorado. I went to see many bands, but I was most anxious to see Disturbed.
They had just released their latest album "Indestructible" and like all their other albums,
they had evolved their sound a lot.
The single on this album raised some very interesting feelings in me when I initially heard it.
Most of these feelings surrounded memories of the past that involved a sort of "Lost Love".
The lyrics speak of a suicide, however my memories had nothing to do with that in a literal
sense. Essentially I was the one who wished for death and considered suicide as an option.
What I had was heaven on earth. There was no doubt about that. She was my Eve and I her
Adam. Together we were God's children and there was nothing to fear at all. This was my
world. This was my reality. However, eventually it collapsed and I was left devastated. Now,
due to the dualistic nature of humanities experience of life I was in Hell. Hell was just as
magnificent and extreme as Heaven. The extreme opposite of Love and Faith was obviously
Hatred and Fear. I lived this reality for approximately the same amount of time I lived in
Heaven. I have no regrets now, due to the feeling that I have experienced one of the highest
elations of existence and one of the lowest depressions as well. I have faith that there may
be even more extreme experiences to come, however I can feel that thought prey on my
hopes as well as my fears.
The single from Disturbed's Indestructible, Inside the Fire, initially brought back all those
feelings and memories from Hell. The video to the single affirmed those feelings greatly. I
listened to the song many times and tried to find a greater meaning due to the respect I
have for David Draiman. I consider him one of the more "enlightened" artists and knew
there was something more to the lyrics considering his words concerning immortality and
portals and whatnot. My mind felt something more, however I couldn't grasp it mentally. In
reality my Love had not committed suicide, both of us came close, but we chose something
else instead.
It wasn't until I saw the song performed live that I felt a truer meaning behind it all.
Essentially my love might as well had died. The connection we once had was lost forever.
The emotional violence behind it all changed us both forever. We would never see the same
person we fell in love with ever again. Those people are now lost beyond that portal.
The lyrics and the video speak of what seems to be two suicides. First I found that I lost my
love for good, for eternity, forever. Second, I kill myself. Now the person who was capable of
loving her and being loved by her at the intensity that existed is now dead, gone for good,
for eternity, forever.
Yet here I stand alive and well.
The Buddhists talk about an immortality through reincarnation. Essentially your true self is
immortal and never dies in the sense that everyone has a true self or soul which inhabits
every material body and life that they experience here on earth. Also, this is represented
through the idea of the oneness of existence. That everything is just another piece of the
whole and that the entirety of existence or that whole is immortal and cannot die. This
makes two ways to consider immortality. I will propose a third.
Essentially there is the potential for immortality in every moment. In one moment you could
be a person who feels a certain way about certain things, ideas, or experiences. Then in the
next moment you could be an entirely different person in a sense that you feel differently
about those same things, ideas or experiences. If you frequently assassinate the people you
are that hold feelings you don't necessarily agree with, then you can see how an aspect of
yourself is entirely immortal, unwavering, unchangeable. What this part of you is you must
figure out for yourself. It could be the spirit, soul, astral/mental body or whatever. But it is
definitely something that has a very close relationship with the true nature of your being.
To me, realizing this has helped immensely just in the past twelve hours. I can now see the
liberated way to keep an ever open, ever malleable mind to be capable of adopting new ideas
and experiencing an unlimited potential in my reality.
There are now many lovers and phantoms of myself beyond the portal.
Take the word of one immortal.
- Thu, 17 Jul 2008 23:58:06 -0600
It happens on a random Monday
Coming back late from an even, or late on a Sunday night right
before you're about to get on the plane & be frisked for the third
time. You're driving, you're flying, you're sitting in an airport seat
with boys from the team. You're drinking stale coffee trying to stay awake.
You're explaining the fat welt on the side of your neck to a confused stranger
or a best friend, you're coming back to the other life, the one without paintball,
where no-one understands why you do it, you're tire, working off little sleep
& the question creeps up& you try to ignore it. Why do I do this?
Why the travel? Why the losses? The missed work; the missed school.
Hours of practice & the complaining girlfriend, because of the lure of living
a paintball life is just too potent & the products of the road, the travel, are
forever in memories in strange lands with stranger people, because at
tournaments you feel as though you can live as loud as you want, it's worth
all the sacrifices its worth all the bullshit, cos if you work hard enough,
a sunday will roll around & you'll be in the huddle screaming, your hand
in, one of ten, playing for the world title & suddenly all of those cliches
you've ever heard make sense & you are defined. You say it to yourself &
it means everything.
I am a paintball player, and this moment right here is my life.
- Matty Marshall -
- Thu, 10 Jul 2008 20:14:44 -0600
wanna fly?
wanna fly high?
I'd offer my hand
but you'd just weigh me down
you couldn't handle this high
sorry, but I won't sit still
I won't hold that grudge
I dont care for your fears
because I love you with all I am
I declare you paranoid
and move on
move on
and on
this moment is so fresh
so new
taste life and youll see it too
learn to love the sour
and it's bittersweet sensations
butterflys follow me now
the world is such a beautiful place
adrenaline full bore
passion soaked
soul and spirit reborn
ectasy neverending
will I ever come down?
will I ever come down?
Who wants to get inside?
- Fri, 27 Jun 2008 03:06:26 -0600
gotta get my moves on
gotta get my smooth on
goin for a ride
just cruizin
listening to this song
dancing with sirens
all teasing me
focused
precise
I move real fast
dance right past
tasting the moment
I slow the pace
now im giving you a chance
to save some face
because don't you know?
your not the only one
your promiscuous curves
aint anything new to me
I've navigated your world
believe me
I've graduated those clouds
try to deceive me
Please, are you seriously done yet?
or can't you get enough of this contact high
I told you girl
I'm nothing expected
born elevated
you must be crazy
ill make you dizzy
keep askin
keep twistin
keep comin
my initiation will break you
passion overdose
you won't know which way is up
can you handle it?
You want this respect?
twist it slow
slower
deeper
loose yourself
and you'll have me
- Wed, 25 Jun 2008 12:54:19 -0600
The warrior without a fight
seeks competition
A hummingbird watches from a nearby tree
down floats past his vision
down is everywhere these days
books left unread make him anxious
sitting more like a stone
Hagall haunts his mind
patience is a virtue
smelling the cigarette
sweet turkish tobacco
earth compensating for fire
Yearning to run, the warrior sleeps
- Wed, 25 Jun 2008 00:39:28 -0600
- Tue, 24 Jun 2008 06:00:49 -0600
Change by Craig Kosak
- Thu, 19 Jun 2008 04:34:33 -0600
The lion roars as the rains begin
A familiar smell fills my nose and the memories return
The lion revels in the storm of the past
Like a drug I can't get enough
The animal inside begs me to continue
The lust is a memory, but the passion is real
the taste of flesh is almost too much
I trace the curves of silky skin
inhaling the buttery sweet smell
The animal consumes
every single vibration of the memory
until nothing is left
I look up and feel the rain on my face
The lion roars, unsatisfied, ignored
it will be free soon.
- Wed, 18 Jun 2008 03:03:48 -0600
I take the world
the world as I know
grasp it gently in my palm
carrying the gift softly
contemplating the purpose
listening
waiting
compelled as if commanded
I place the world in the center of
the free lilly
and watch my world float away
and without intention I float away
to be what I am
living how I feel I must
hoping one day
my world will come back to me
- Wed, 18 Jun 2008 00:34:52 -0600
The Void oozes a sweet nectar
The mind bathes in it
but the Void wastes not
and soon mind suffers
As it bathes soon it consumes
all sweetness lost, it weeps
a forgotten memory
of existence so pure
no bittersweet
no loving hate
no passionate lust
a Void
The Void
When we asked for a single thing
our assumption was choice
and choice was our gift
The Void oozes a sweet nectar
consume it and taste the bitterness
or kiss me and make honey for us both
- Tue, 17 Jun 2008 02:52:56 -0600
"Ah, women. They make the highs higher and the lows more frequent."
- Nietzsche -
- Tue, 17 Jun 2008 02:45:19 -0600
It burns
deep inside
this rage is building
it won't be contained
I ignored the animal inside me
and now everyone is the victim
even myself
SCREAM
for recognition
RISE
for verification
I am the one you awoke
I am the tiger hidden in the grass
too late
its too late now
too late
its too late now
to flee is not an option
it never was
you placed the animal for protection
and then ignored it entirely
Will you ever learn your lesson?
Will you ever be able to run in the wild?
Will you drink your blood and give some too?
I'm pushing and fighting my way
my way
my highway
my road
my path
I am the human who leaves a tiger's trail
FEAR AWAKEN
LIVIN A LIE
LIVIN A LIE
LIVIN A LIE
It's just like you
to give me hope
just to test me
just to watch me suffer
You make me want to give up
You make me want to live up
I want to die
end it now
Too familiar shadows
descend upon me now
I wallow
- Fri, 06 Jun 2008 05:10:02 -0600
The taste of life
in all its joy
in all its sorrow
was but a dull roar
motions pointless
dreams fruitless
Forced to make my own beauty
desperate for the promised ecstasy
digging in the mud
trudging with bore
my mind focused on the future at hand
what gems I find are consumed entirely
my internal flame sensual
making love to the sweets of the universe
The body has become satisfied
satiated with health, energy, and pleasure
grown strong by the resistance of this mud
The mind is quick
through the trials of the patterns
like the sharpest knife
truth is no longer a mystery
A siren sings
and my dreams are humbled
beauty beyond my own ability
like a gnat I'm drawn to the light
of a creation greater than myself
such a carefree spirit
wakes my senses
and again I hunger
still satiated with pleasure as I knew it
I yearn to fly high with her
such a pleasure
even the gods bend to her will
I can't imagine the honor
of her acknowledgment of my existence
- Wed, 04 Jun 2008 23:09:54 -0600
Oblivion becomes me
My life, a lie
a lie to you and all who question me
secrets I know
secrets I keep
Oblivion becomes me
My life, a test
You need not treat me with respect
secrets you wish you knew
secrets I wish I could speak
I could taunt you with ecstasy
ecstasy beyond your control
your dreams becoming a reality
the universe in the palm of your hand
yet Oblivion becomes me
and you will know nothing
except what you have found for yourself
While you seek God
I become Him
As ethereal as the dreams you chase
I participate in no league
I wave no flag
I sport no badge
I claim allegiance to none
Secret societies are a waste of time
- Wed, 04 Jun 2008 22:50:20 -0600
I had intoxicated myself utterly with Alice; I had invested her with all
the insignia that my imagination could invent. Yet, loving her with all
my heart and soul, she had not seduced me from my service. I knew ---
and They who put her on my Path knew also --- that I was immune. I might
dally with Delilah as much as I liked and never risk the scissors. Love,
who binds other Samsons, blinds them and sets them to serve the
Philistines, to be their scorn and sport, would be to me my Light and
lead me in the way of liberty. The secret of my strength was the, that
love would always stand a shining symbol of my truth, that I loved
spiritually the soul of mankind. Therefore each woman, be she chaste or
wanton, faithful or false, inspiring me to scale the summits of song or
whispering me to wallow in the swamps of sin, would be to me no more
than a symbol in whose particular virtue my love could fins the bread
and wine of its universal eucharist.
- Aleister Crowley -
- Tue, 03 Jun 2008 01:24:18 -0600
The yearning heart
is the heaviest to carry
Yet I carry it with pride
for this desire is unique
My lantern lights my path
This way to salvation I suppose
Time is my master
always moving
always flowing
always closer
but never near
Time taunts me.
Impatience grows
or never existed
The end is not what I seek
It's those moments of bliss
moments of clarity
moments of joy
laughter
love
they come and go
They approach me from behind
to tackle me by surprise
They fill me till im drunk
so I never notice when they go
and im left alone again with Time
The lone wolf becomes me
The lone warrior
fighting, killing, sacrificing all
for a cause he claims not his own
yet none who meet him can see the reason
none can see the logic
none empathize with his cause
You may care not, for he cares not
You may judge for his pity blesses you
You may gossip, for he is not of your world
but dare to change or challenge him
and you will act the fool
for his sword is swift and precise
and evolution prefers your death to his
All fortunate ones must wait
for their keeper is Time
- Thu, 29 May 2008 02:54:15 -0600
There is no such thing as history. The facts,
even were they available, are too numerous to grasp.
A selection must be made; and this can only be
one-sided, because the selector is enclosed in the
same network of time and space as his subject.
- Aleister Crowley -
- Tue, 27 May 2008 01:29:20 -0600
If you weren't so beautiful I could treat you
with a different kind of respect.
All who stand before you succumb to your ether
Civilizations collapse before you
The men who pray to no one
pray to you
Your body
a holy altar
Your mind
the sharpest rapier
The respect you deserve
is the respect you receive
Yet I cannot
My mind cannot
an understanding lost
be the sight of you
in your presence
death is a welcome guest
yet now
I long to see such beauty again
- Sat, 24 May 2008 23:11:06 -0600
the pine needle is many
resting like a blanket on the forest floor
wind plays in the trees
howling with glee
eyes gaze to the stars
considering the ancient light
All is quiet tonight
Where are the noises of owls
or the bugs in the grass
Where is the moon
shining like a beacon for dreams
noises creep from the winds
may skin crawl
May all be blessed tonight
may I bring a fire to light
use my gift to shut out the night
I will provide my own warmth
confidence and motivation
Faith in the way of things
will provide the rest
- Thu, 22 May 2008 05:34:29 -0600
Hooverphonic - Club Montepulciano
and silence is golden..
- Thu, 15 May 2008 01:35:03 -0600
Chasing the Dragon
The alarm sounds and I awake.
I take a deep breathe and begin looking for my cell phone.
Set the alarm for twenty minutes from now and fall back asleep.
Why am I where I am?
Why am I who I am?
I never know where to go next.
I am, always am.
Living to dream.
Dreaming to live.
The chase is what I live.
I follow the wisp of the tail of the beast. Of the truly free..
and enlightened.
I want so much. I need so little.
Moment by moment the potential energy rises.
Rises and rises and rises and rises.
Where the fuck is my catalyst?
Where the fuck is my release?
There is a fire inside no one can describe.
It builds and builds and builds for ever and ever.
Realizing this fire might have been a mistake.
They say ignorance is bliss.
I say awareness is life.
Today is menial. Trivial, but necessary.
My alarm goes off and I start the shower.
Clean me Heal me Thank You
Clean me Heal me Thank You
Clean me Heal me Thank You
I start preparing my mind for work. To think like the rest.
How does corporate america depend on me?
What role can I fit into to help the cog go round.
What ideas can I bring to speed up the process
and bless it with efficiency..
How can I revolutionize the industry?
Silly thoughts....
I already realized long ago that in order to lead a
revolution I need a following.
There will be no following for me for a while.
So whats my role tonight?
How can I attempt to impress my many managers and coworkers
without rocking the boat.
To continue my education and support the community that
drives the industry...
Motivation Motivation Motivation.
My stomach growls.
It's been 28 since I ate anything solid.
Fasting helps me think and brings my mood up, but damn I'm hungry.
I gotta quit smoking too. My skin is starting to hate me for it.
an addiction to a lifestyle....
Honestly cigarettes are probably the only thing holding me back
right now.
I need to start buying more gum...
gum that's good for my teeth...
ya that's a good idea.
Then there is love.
or is it lust?
What do I feel? and what do I want?
When the two come together... is that love?
No, love is the knowledge that at any given moment
you would gladly give your life for another.
Lust is my battle.
The fire inside will take any outlet I give it.
The rising potential energy screams inside me for release.
Primal urges become me.
I am just an animal after all. Specifically male.
I want to bite and grab and taste the flesh of beauty.
but that is not love.
I seek the mother of my children.
A mind like my own.
For now I continue to fight.
Continue to meditate and train.
I become more aware day by day, moment by moment.
Right now I kill for my brothers. My teammates.
I kill so that they may live. I sacrifice myself for the win.
The hunger for glory is growing and I am their captain.
They will depend on me to take them to the top.
The podium was always ours.
It was built for the day. Our day.
Many friends, family and lovers.
Many words dwarfed by the thoughts.
I still come home to a cold bed.
Even when it's warm, she can't see the Dragon's tail.
It taunts me.
Existing on a plane my body can't feel.
Existing on a plane my mind can't understand.
Ether envelopes me.
Yet I can not feel it.
The Dragon is here, but I can't catch it.
not yet...
I will not set my future lives up for failure.
I see the Dragon's tail. I will see it's head.
I will catch it and ride it into oblivion.
Will she understand?
- Wed, 14 May 2008 03:55:06 -0600
- Wed, 14 May 2008 03:46:08 -0600
- Tue, 13 May 2008 05:01:37 -0600
Is there a woman who refuses to drink the fear?
- Tue, 13 May 2008 04:47:40 -0600
Sitting and waiting.
waiting and sitting.
sometimes I stand
sometimes I speak
sometimes I sleep
but mostly sit
I sit and think
think to think to think
I encompass thought
thought that digs
thought that searches
for understanding
the soil of this reality can be rough or smooth
soft or dense
light or heavy
So goes the reality of the mind
I sit and ponder my understanding of this world
of life
of what I am supposed to be doing
and what im doing now.
Wealth, society, law, morality, love, lust, greed and many more
are all challenges of the mind.
An epic battle wages inside me.
The army of uniform and tradition wages an ever bloody war
against the armies of origionality and individual freedom.
Who am I to choose right or wrong?
To be or not to be,
but I already am. Now what?
A self imposed exile...
tastes better than the drink of fear this society sells.
I will walk this ever lonely path...
so alone
so alone
the garden of eden
full of all the fruit, beauty, and understanding God can offer.
Was it the seventh day God created Eve?
**looks it up real quick**
bah, historians never get along...
Fuck Lilith though, Ive been done with that demon lover for a long time.
seriously where the fuck was I going with this?
Where the fuck are we all going?
I don't feel proud of any of this.
When even I don't know how to appease my ego, how can I expect anyone else to?
I am lost in my own self imposed exile.
fuck
- Thu, 08 May 2008 06:54:48 -0600
- Thu, 08 May 2008 05:32:25 -0600
Earth is me
Fire in one hand
Ice in the other
Breathing Air between them....
I go as fast or as slow as I want
when I travel this fantastic land
I will swim
I will fly
I will run
I will ride
to whatever destination I had in mind
Living moment to moment
breath by breath
beat by beat
Reality being what I make it
Life being what I wish it
I wake to a dream within a dream within a dream
I do what I want, where I want, when I want to
Show me the volume to your senses
and lets crank the shit up.
- Thu, 08 May 2008 01:48:41 -0600
The feedback page is now interactive... kinda.
- Thu, 08 May 2008 00:30:19 -0600
Starting fresh...
something new
something different
something to write
something to think about
something to consume
something...
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